Will I ever be able to love my wife?

Will I ever be able to love my wife?

Dear Agatha,

I was suffering from a heartbreak and disappointment when I met and married my wife. All I wanted was to get back at my girlfriend of five years who left me to marry someone else.
To show her I wasn’t affected by her decision, I decided to marry my wife whom I met a week after she walked out of my life.
Within three months of meeting her, we were already planning our wedding at my insistence. She kept questioning my motive for wanting to rush the process of our getting married, but I kept assuring her that I didn’t want someone else taking her away from me because of my love for her.
To be fair to her, she is one of the nicest persons I have met. She is very honest and supportive of me. Unfortunately, these qualities aren’t enough for me. Deep down I don’t trust any woman anymore. I want to hurt them all for what my ex did to me. To make matters worse, I still love my ex very much in spite of playing me for a fool.
I know my disposition is hurting my wife whom I have seen severally weeping silently; but I cannot help myself. I don’t want to be in her company at all. We have been married for almost two years and have a lovely son. Despite the way I have been treating her, she has remained very supportive and respectful. Rather than quarrel with me, she would come begging me to forgive her for whatever she has done wrong to me.
Early last year, I lost my job due to lack of concentration on my part. She practically gave me all her savings to get me back on my feet at the same time volunteering to take care of the family until I’m able to take on the responsibility again. She works with an oil firm.
Since she read agriculture in school, she encouraged me to go into fish farming on the acre of land she acquired for that purpose long before she met and married me. A year down the road, the income from the business is more than I ever imagined. I can employ and pay my seven workers with ease and still have more than enough for the home front.
I really appreciate her person but I don’t know if I will be able to love her the way she loves me. She has made me and our son the centre of her world. I really feel guilty whenever I catch a glimpse of her crying when she thinks I’m not looking her way.
I feel guilty seeing her that way but how can I console her when I haven’t even shared the story of my past with her or gotten over that betrayal? How do I tell her that I married her to spite the one woman I love more than life itself?
My family and friends are all happy that I found such a wonderful woman after the nasty episode with my ex, but how come I can’t get my ex out of my mind? Will I ever be able to love my wife the way I loved my ex?
Ken.

Dear Ken,
Yes, you can love your wife more than you ever imagined possible if you allow yourself to forget the betrayal of your ex.
Nothing happens in life without a reason. She left you for another man because she didn’t have the essential qualities to make you happy. Yes, you may have loved her and so much wish to marry her, but at the end of the day, God didn’t equip her with the necessary ingredients you need in a woman who will be your wife.
The truth is you are bitter not because she left you but at the way she went about it. Your anger at her is the reason you have refused to bury the ghost of her time with you. More than your heart, she bruised your ego when she left you for another man.
You may have married your wife out of desperation, but living with her for these two years ought to have healed your heart of any disappointment. This is why you are able to detect and appreciate her outstanding qualities. The truth is you are already in love with her without even knowing how and when it all happened. The major thing preventing you from realizing how deep you are in love with her is your pride that has been hurt as a man.
Until you deal with this issue of pride, you will never be able to fully appreciate the uniqueness that is in this woman God has blessed you with.
To jolt you out of whatever hole of depression, you have dug for yourself as a result of what your ex did try imagining coming home without meeting your wife and son? Do you think you can endure the loneliness and emptiness of living without her and your son?
If you don’t take the necessary steps to correct the defect in your marriage before it is too late, you may just come home one day and discover she is no longer there. The constant silent tears of a woman; is a sign that she is nearing her breaking point. Those tears are her notice to you- silent pleas that you should help her make sense of the situation between the two of you. By the time she stops weeping, you may never get the chance to change her mind about you. She loves you very much, that is why she keeps weeping; when she has had enough, she would simply wipe her face dry and take her destiny in her hands.
Don’t wait for when you would be discussing with her lawyers before you make it right. Gather your wife in your arms and tell her about your past. Chances are someone in the family may have already told her about the experience but hearing it from you would give her the extra confidence to be patient with you as well as help you develop new trust in a woman.
In marriage, love isn’t as important as finding friendship in your spouse. When a couple are very good friends of each other, love will never be absent in their relationship. Such a couple will never be able to stay apart from each other because the bond of friendship makes it impossible for them to disagree for too long a time. It will always pull them together to discuss and settle whatever the issue is, in their marriage.
For now, befriend her. Confide in her your experience and fear of women generally. At least she would have explanations for your attitude towards her. She is crying all the time because she has no idea of what is the problem in her marriage to you. It can be very frustrating not knowing where one has gone wrong in steadying a relationship. Knowing would help her focus on its solution just as telling her would help heal you completely.
Also, doing an objective analysis of the two women would go a long way in energizing you to fight for the love of your wife and son. Love is a layer of many shades, shapes and spades. With time you will be able to find the one that work best for you and your woman.
If life has taught me anything, it is that disappointment is God’s way of uplifting one to the next level. If we have the faith not to question God in His plans, we would be happier in the school of life. Granted you were disappointed by your ex, but look at her replacement; isn’t she everything you want in a woman and wife?
Hasn’t she demonstrated her love and believe in your ability? Hasn’t she proven herself worthy of your trust and dependence? The marriage institution is a wrapped gift of surprises.
Don’t throw away this priceless gift from God, for a woman who isn’t worth your thoughts anymore.
Good luck.
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