Should I let go of both of them?

Should I let go of both of them?

Dear Agatha,  

About a year ago, I started dating a co-worker despite being in a relationship with a married man.

In between dating the married man and meeting my current boyfriend, I have been asked out by other single men, but none appealed to me until I met my second boyfriend. I decided to date a single man because there isn’t any future for me with my married boyfriend.

For the presence of the married man in my life, I could easily have fallen deeply in love with my single boyfriend, but I had to restrain myself from doing so. I also refused to tell him anything about myself or my emotional status.

Unknown to me, he bribed a friend of mine to give him information about me. I was shocked when he confronted me with the information about my married boyfriend. Boxed into a corner, I told him the truth and apologized for deceiving him. He was not only angry but displayed a very intense temper that got me very worried at the extent he could go when provoked. I tried to make amends but didn’t succeed as he relocated to Akwa I’bom from Calabar.

For eight months, he refused to communicate with me despite attempts by me through calls and text messages to him. By this time, I realized I was already in love with him. I kept apologizing with the hope he would eventually forgive me.

Fortunately, he did and I explained my reasons to him. But we haven’t seen each other since he left Calabar for Akwa I’bom.

Having made up with him, I made up my mind to end my relationship with the married man but he appears unwilling to let go of me.  He always interprets any attempt by me to end our relationship as quarreling with him.

Agatha, how do I end this relationship without quarreling with him, given how good he has been to me in the past? Also my single boyfriend’s attitude towards me isn’t giving me any assurance that we have a future together. Apart from his excessive display of hot temper each time I explained my inability to entertain his request to come visit me in Calabar, he throws a big tantrum.  All he appears interested in: is to have sex with me. His phone conversations and text messages are always geared towards his desire to have sex with me. To him, my agreeing to have sex with him remains his only evidence of my love for him. I’m really worried at the lack of content in his approach.

He is also using secrets I shared with him about my life to mock and maltreat me. I don’t think it right for him to do that to me. I told him my story because I thought I could trust him.

Do you think I should forget the two men and wait for the right man to come?

Ekatte

Dear Ekatte,

Despite the many mistakes you appear to have made so far, I admire your determination to want to do things differently.  It is encouraging that you have gotten to that crucial point in your life when you feel the need to do things differently.

First and foremost, the married man should go. Agreeing to date him in the first place was a huge mistake because, like you said, there isn’t anything in this relationship for you. No matter how well he has taken care of you, it isn’t right. He should devote his time to his wife and children; not you. This is the point you should convey to him; that his family is more in need of him than you do.

Honestly, he cannot stop you from leaving him if you are so determined. It is a simple case of refusing to oblige him with your presence anytime he calls. Granted he may not want to end the relationship given what he is enjoying from being in your company, if you insist you no longer want him in your life, there is little or nothing he can do. You and not him, has the right over your life. It is your call, not his to determine the termination of this relationship.

The truth is you have become dependent on the things you are getting from him hence your hesitations, despite your realization that you need to let go. If you consider how you would feel, if your future husband spends quality time and resources that could have been channeled into the improvement of the family on servicing his girlfriend, you will better understand the injustice you are doing to a fellow woman’s home and emotions by remaining in her husband’s life.

Your second boyfriend isn’t pretentious about what he wants from you because he knows you are in a sexual relationship with a married man. He cannot be serious with you because you aren’t serious with yourself in the first place. When a young lady dates a married man, money and not love is assumed to be her motivation.

In the opinion of this young man, you are selling your body to this married man for money so why should he take you more serious than you do yourself? In all sincerity can you blame this young man who makes sex proof of your love for him? He is only fitting into the agenda you have set out for yourself.

For your own peace of mind and self-respect, forget these two men and pray for someone who would love you for who you are and not because he wants sex. From your letter, it is too late for your second boyfriend to treat you with any measure of respect. He might have wanted something meaningful with you in the beginning, but given what he knows about you now, he appears not willingly to pursue the relationship in the direction you expect him to.

You have to learn to do things differently if you desire any man to take you serious.

We are all prone to mistakes in life but the turning point is when we realize that there are better and Godlier ways to doing things without compromising on our moral values.

If you change your ways and learn to trust God more, you will find pure happiness at the end of the day. It is a simple matter of knowing what is good and right.

Good luck