My pastor husband brought his girlfriend home

My pastor husband brought his girlfriend home

Dear Agatha,

Writing this makes me feel very bad. I feel like a woman who has betrayed her husband, but I’m desperate to find a solution to my marital problems before I do something that will completely destroy my home and husband.

This is something I cannot share with anybody close to us, because it will definitely destroy the ministry of my husband. I don’t want that on my conscience at all.

I have been married to my husband for more than two decades. We are blessed with three children who are all in the university. My eldest, a girl, is in her final year while her brothers who are twins are in their second year.

Due to the situation at home, I hardly see my children. They prefer to stay in school or go to my parents’ when they are on holidays because of their father.

My husband got interested in apostleship five years into our marriage. After struggling against the desire, he finally caved in and joined one of the most prominent Pentecostal churches in the country. From being a worker, he rose to become a head of department and eventually a pastor. His zeal to work for God back then was unmistakable.

He was everywhere and God was really using him in His deliverance ministry. Back then we were really happy. Though his salary wasn’t much, but we had more than enough to eat and meet up on all our expenses.

Like every organization, politics was applied when it came to promotions and selection into some powerful committees. The closer one was to the general overseer and members of his kitchen cabinet, the juicer the appoints one got. My husband, though, was considered one of the best, wasn’t considered for some of the appointments. In addition to being discouraged, he and others like him started complaining bitterly.

I tried my possible best to encourage him to be more focused on God than the headship of the church. I explained to him that God was his employer and not man. I urged him to stay on and surrender everything to God.

He refused to listen. He became so wrapped up in his ambition that he left the church to begin his own ministry. Some people left with him. Despite shunning my advice, I went with him as his wife. Initially it appeared things were going well, but I knew nothing good can ever come from an act of rebellion. Three years down the road, some of those who came with him left him to begin their own churches too. They also accused him of being unfair and too high handed.

The church wasn’t doing so well. He accused his former general overseer of placing a curse on him and as a result of this, started patronizing white garment churches for spiritual help. Soon, he met a group of supposed men of God who offered him assistance with the church. I warned him against them but he failed to listen. I had very bad feelings about the men.

As a result of my opposition to him, he stopped confiding in me. Very soon the church picked up, he became so popular and successful. I knew immediately he must have done something to become so successful.

To confirm my suspicions, he became too busy for our family daily devotion and stopped the children and I from coming into his room at night under the guise that he needed to concentrate more on his prayers.

Sometimes, a whole month, he won’t come home; he was practically staying in the church. Whenever I go to the church to see him, his personal assistance, a female, would stop me from seeing him on the grounds that he was attending to spiritual matters. Getting him on the phone was also a problem since she was always with his phone. The only time I and the children get to speak with him are Sundays when he is about to mount the pulpit or after service.

Even at that, this woman would refuse to give us privacy. Being a woman, I knew there was more to her than being a personal assistance. My husband was having an affair with her. Already people were talking but I didn’t react until one night when I woke up to check on my children and passed by his room. I heard familiar noises coming from his room; the kind that suggest intimacy between a man and woman.  I didn’t know what to make of it so I decided to wait outside his door. You can imagine my surprise around 4.30 a.m. when he emerged from his room with his personal assistant. They were both shocked to see me. Painfully my children heard my cries of pains and came out of their rooms to witness the show of shame of their father. My children wanted to fight the woman but their father warned them not to attempt it; that she came for special prayers and deliverance.

That was the climax as he didn’t bother to come home for another two weeks. The lady thereafter became more hostile towards us. She completely ignores my presence in the church. My husband too didn’t bother to offer any explanations to me. He keeps acting as if nothing happened. I cannot explain his behaviour. He isn’t even concerned that he doesn’t see his children in the church. He acts as if we don’t even exist.

My children stopped attending the church as well as coming home. I only get to see them in school or in my parents’ house when they are on holiday. They must have told my mother because she is urging me to leave my husband and move back home.

I love my husband and home but I don’t know if this marriage is worth fighting for. How do I battle this woman and the church for my husband?

The last time I tried getting his parents involved, he told them to mind their business and never to interfere in what they don’t understand. He was so angry with me that he ordered me out of the church in the presence of this woman and elders. None of the so-called elders, till date, has bothered to come to me to hear my side of the story. They all pretend all is well.


Dear Deborah,

From what you have said, it is obvious your husband is under the influence of certain powers. He has clearly compromised on his beliefs in exchange for the success and powers he now has. There is nothing you can do on your own because he went of his own freewill into that arrangement.

You are all alone. This is the reason nobody in the church is complaining on your behalf. Ordinarily, the leadership of the church should have noticed the unusual closeness of your husband and personal assistant and taken appropriate step to nip it in the bud irrespective of your husband being the general overseer of the church.

A church with the Spirit of God would not tolerate such immoral arrangement from anyone. The fact that the leadership is looking the other way can only mean they support it. The confidence of the woman to come into your territory should warn you about your safety as well as that of your children.

Only the grace of God can bring him out of the web he has entered into. That woman currently in his life is a representative of all the coalitions he has entered into, hence his helplessness against her.

Your husband exchanged his peace and happiness for spiritual success. He cannot eat and still have his cake. The decision to be free has to come from him because you cannot free someone who is determined not to be. The success of his ministry is like opium to him. You can only get through to him when its effects wear off.

Greed which drove him to seek the help of these powers with his ministry is the foundation of his problem. Had you gone beyond merely expressing your disagreement with him in the beginning, to organizing prayers and fasting for him before he took the decision to go to these people, you would have prevented this unfortunate situation.

Truth be told, you should have cried out, enlisted the support of his family and friends to help talk to him when he started showing signs of desperation to make it at all cost as a minister of God; especially at the point he met the supposed men of God. Then you still had him to yourself and in the best position to prevent his spiritual decline. You should have relied on the powers of prayers and fasting to dislodge these persons from his life. That was the mistake you made… refusing to take the garment of prayers and fasting when it was most essential in your marriage.

As the wife of a minister of God, your knees should never be far from the ground. Your role as his partner is to always stand in the gap for him, praying fervently against temptations that will take him away from the presence of God. This is because every minister of God is susceptible to the manipulations of the devil; it takes the grace of God through the unyielding support of the wife and prayer warriors to insulate him from such attacks.

Wisdom dictates you stay on in your home. You don’t have to continue to go to that church if you don’t want to. Bear in mind, this isn’t a physical fight. To attempt to fight your way into his life physically is to risk your life as well as your children’s unduly. This is the time for you to beat a retreat and look instead for a church you know has the spirit of the true God for help. Ask God to direct you on whom and where to go; a place where prayer is a passion and the people would have all the time to pray with you and support you throughout the length of this battle.

No matter the current situation between the two of you, he remains your husband and father of your children. You aren’t divorced so you have the responsibility of helping him defeat the powers that have imprisoned him. Refuse to give in to your anger as that is a weapon they want to use to prevent you from standing in the gap for your husband and home.

If you leave him and he dies, before he has time to make peace with God, you will forever blame yourself. Plead with your mother and children to assist him with prayers, instead of antagonizing him. He needs all the help he can get out of this situation.

The man you see today isn’t the same person you married. The man you married is in spiritual prison. You have to use the authority of God to set him free from that prison as fast as you can. You cannot afford to fail for your sake as well as your family’s.

God is your strength.

Good luck.

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